This is a letter to a very special someone who is part of me and who I cannot wait to take in my arms in a matter of few more weeks.

As I write this, I am undergoing so many varied emotions which is hard to explain: anticipation, excitement, anxiety,fear, happiness all combined to give me an overwhelming feeling. After all I am going to be a mamma :) I cannot believe that in less than 5 weeks time a little human being will come out from inside of me whose whole existence will depend on us. We will be 100% responsible for his well -being, for taking care of him, and above all to nurture him into a good human being, which according to me is the most important task of parents.

This journey that we began together has been exhilarating. It's true many people already love you dearly including papa,grandparents,aunts,uncles and so many friends around us but the bond you share with me is the most special. Because I feel you every moment inside me. Each little flutter, each little hiccup brings a smile to my face and I can't believe that we can create something so beautiful. This feeling is exclusive for me and no one can take it away from me.

The day the technician at doctor's office showed your little heartbeat to us for the first time, mine and papa’s life changed forever.  We both cried tears of joy. We could not believe ourselves and since then it has been a waitinggame with so much to look forward to. We can’t believe we will hold your tiny self in a few days. We are still fighting over your name, we are prepping up your nursery, we are buying every stuff to try to make your life comfortable. We are excited yet nervous, we are happy yet overwhelmed, we just want the very best for you...such is the power of parental love which begins even before the new human being comes into existence.

We feel so blessed that friends and family around us are showering us with so much love and good wishes all because of you. Each day we count days and each week we see to what size you have grown.

As we eagerly wait for your arrival, I pray to God every moment for an easy birth for both you and me. It's strange how you start loving someone the most in the world even before you met that person. You will forever change our lives for the better. You will be the sun of our lives. From now our lives will revolve around you.

I pray to the almighty to bless us so that we can raise you to be a kind, loving and caring human being with good values and heart at the right place who is respected and who respects others.  

I know parenthood is the toughest job on earth and there is a very long road ahead but we will always be there for you, holding you, guiding you to be the very best version of you...

Love 

Your Mamma

Unforgettable Memories !!

                                                 Unforgettable Memories !!

Many years ago,saraswati puja was a  very special day of the year. After all she symbolizes knowledge,wisdom,arts culture and we as school students eagerly waited for her arrival which normally falls in end of Jan-middle of February every year. Braving the chilly air and cold, we would get up early in the morning and prepare for the puja at home along with maa, my cousins and other aunts . Ours was a joint family and saraswati puja was always done together as a team. We would be involved in every phase right from planning to idol shopping to preparation of the bhog. And then at a stipulated time our purohit moshai would come and we would all sit around the idol and witness the puja and offer Anjali followed by Prasad like luchi suji khichuri khoi doi and so many other things. In Bengali households, students do not study on saraswati puja and that meant we were free to do anything on that day. Since all of us at home are convent educated, we never went to school wearing sarees like other friends from other schools did. But I vividly remember wearing a saree every puja and accompanying Mom to her school (she is a teacher) and then visiting my dance school. The entire day was filled with so much festivities. Saraswati puja is also called Bengali Valentine's day. The roads are filled with pretty young girls in sarees and boys roaming around in bikes after them. What a site that used to be!. Since we did not go to school on that day me and my cousins would sometimes go to our terrace and observe people on the road.So much fun it was. By the time it was evening, we all again came together near the puja place and we had an elaborate arati followed by a small cultural programs mostly comprising Bengali songs and dance. And then we had one more round of khichuri labra payesh before calling it a day. This entire scenario changed once we left home to pursue our bachelor's and things were never the same again. Today as I sit in my office and see some facebook posts of people wearing yellow sarees and enjoying saraswati pujo my mind races back to those memories of childhood. This new generation will  never understand how much fun we had and how we looked forward to this day for the entire year. However I am still looking forward to the weekend celebrations of  our Bengali community Antorik where we try to recreate almost the same experience from our childhood.

                                   

Jaya Jaya devi chorachoro share,

                                                     Kuchojugo shobhito muktahare

                                                     Bina ronjioto putak hosthe

                                                    Bhagabati bharati Devi Namahastute !! 

Random birthday banter !!

Far, very far from my loved ones as I spend my birthday all my myself myriad thoughts occupy my mind. When my mom and dad wish me over phone, I almost  choke and could barely hid my tears. You ask,but why? there's nothing to be sad...yeah true but after so many years of being away from them, I suddenly feel lost and an urge to be with them engulfs me instantly.

When was the last time I spent my birthday with them? May be in school,or may be in college I don't even remember.All this while being away trying to establish ourselves,trying to find our foothold in this world.And somehow we did not even realize it has been almost 7 long years that we have been out of the country we call our motherland.With tight weekday schedule and party laden weekends,we sometimes think this is what life is all about. But it is in these moments of solitude that we realize that we are so alone.You live in the most developed (really?)country where you have every amenities at your fingertips but still you are alone. You have more parties than you can attend yet you are alone.Life is robotic and mechanistic. You can only have fun once the clock starts ticking past 5 on Friday evening and you need to stop by Sunday evening. Sometimes it makes me wonder is this what we wanted? probably this is the price we need to pay to be successful. But who describes success? Is there a definition? People ask all the time why don't you come back to India? I sincerely wish we had simple answers to that question.The more I am aging, the more I am trying to find the real meaning of life,real meaning of happiness,real meaning of feeling content. Sometimes everything surrounding us seem vague and hollow and I feel myself to be a misfit.But then I rethink everyone else too is struggling like I am.Everyone else is sacrificing so many things in life to make a decent  livelihood, to provide a comfortable living for the family.
We are all alone in our journey,each one of us battling our own struggles.I remember my hostel days when we did not have much money but we used to have fun,not just weekends but everyday. We did not care if we slept less or we were tired.Life has changed so much.Days change to months and months to years and we long for a chance   to visit home. You need to think about one thousand things even before you plan to go home. Visa,time off from work,stamping issues.Why has life become so complicated? Why do we have less and less control over our own lives? Why does our career,our happiness everything depend on policies of corporates and government? Why can't we chose to be home when our near ones need us? Why is every decision of my life not my own?
Is this the price we pay to become fortuitous? And trying to be successful in life we have all become alone.Alone to face all difficulties,alone to fight our everyday battles.

So if your birthday falls on a weekday, you have nothing to do but whine and pen down such  boring monograph sitting alone at home.Because celebrations have to wait till it's Friday evening!!

My worst nightmare !

It was 12th of August 2014. I had a doctor appointment at 12.30 pm and so I decided to skip work that day (I was interning at a medical research lab). The usual nightly call to parents was made at morning 11 instead and at once i felt  something was not right at the other hand. A very frail sounding maa said hello and i could feel something is wrong. I asked Maa what are you doing and she just said nothing. This is not my maa,usually whenever I call she speaks with so much excitement and today she is barely speaking. I said,Maa is everything alright? why do you sound so different?where is dad? there was a moment of silence and a long gasp and then holding up tears all she could manage saying is hes not feeling well. he is taking rest.These words were enough to had me in tears and anxiety and i began crying on the phone asking what happened ma tell me everything.Although she tried not to sound too serious but said that his blood pressure suddenly rose too high but the doctors said he is okay. she was reassuring me again and again that that everything was fine and that he would get better soon. But I knew the matter was not as simple as my mom is making it sound. I finished talking to her on phone and began crying inconsolably.My dad is everything for me.He is my best friend,my critique,my guide my inspiration.I just could not bear the thought that he was ill.But thinking about what she said about blood pressure,I suspected dad might have had a stroke . I called back home after 10 minutes and confronted my mom if dad has had a stroke. That was it,my mom broke down on the phone and said that my dad has had a major cerebral stroke again assuring me that he is doing fine now.As I started crying again,she handed over the phone to dad. All I could hear from the other end were few incoherent lines trying to say ami thik achi (I am fine).His incoherent voice, inability to understand my words made my worse fears come true. He was not fine at all. I went completely blank,did not know what to do.I just wanted to be there in a minute and be with my mom and dad. I was inconsolable. My husband stood like a rock beside me. But for me it seemed like the end of the world. My kind hearted school friend who was at that time at Agartala told me she would visit my dad and let me know the real situation. But the shocks did not end there. When she tried to visit him at home,she came to know from my uncle that he is in hospital for last 4 days, had a severe cerebral hemorrhage and is very unwell. The only positive thing was he received the right treatment on time which prevented a paralysis. But his speech,his cognition,his posture everything was damaged . He could not speak properly,he could not stand up on his own,he could not think straight. My mother's world came crashing in front of her. Me and my sister both were thousands of miles away. I wanted to run away at that moment but could not,I was in the middle of a semester and I had visa issues.I would cry for hours and try to hold my composure when i called my mom or tried to speak to dad. With his incoherent speech,he would just try to tell me that he is getting better. I knew this was the most toughest period any family could go through and I was not able to do anything. My hands were tied. My mom is an iron lady and once again she proved it by handling all difficulties alone. My dad was completely dependent on her. His doctors,his medicines,his daily chores,his food,his physiotherapy she had to manage eveything.Yet she always sounded strong on phone. I was doing my MS here in US and every time I said that I would fly back home,my mom sternly said no. You finish your studies. I can manage here.Your dad will never be happy if you  skip classes and come here.She would always insist that if required she would call me and ask me to go.With medications and care my dad began recuperating,albeit very slowly.My mom helped him get back on his feet again. 
2 years have passed since dad had stroke and by God's grace,things are much better now. But deep down I always have the guilt of not being able to be there for my parents when it was most required. From birth they have always been there with me at all times good or bad.But I know my parents are happy and proud of me.I finished my masters and both of us visited home last tear.And seeing my dad at the airport i had tears of joy.I know I was not be there physically at the time of crisis, but I have suffered equally. Each day has been a battle from me,each phone call sent shivers down my spine thinking that it might be from home,each phone call unanswered on the other end had me in tears.I had sleepless nights,I could not eat,always thinking about my father.
I am immensely grateful to God that we have overcome this difficult period and pray that we do not have to ever face them again.

Let Go

These two words are almost synonymous with break ups,moving on, forgetting the past and so on. But we do not realize that in everyday life we "let go" of so many situations, so many people, so many circumstances just to hold on a relation. We think that's the best thing to do. We fear that if we don't, it might harm a relationship, it might be detrimental and so on. We know it's not easy because the pain inflicted on us lingers even if try to forget the damage they caused. The emotional turmoil disturbs us even after we let go of their mistakes, but we continue to compromise day after day. But have we ever thought what good it does to us? If a friendship or a relationship is alive only because you chose it to keep alive by forgetting and forgiving does it really feel like a genuine friendship/relationship? We always think that we cannot survive if friends leave us or someone goes away from our lives, but the truth is we can. When ingenuity forms the base of something, it’s better that it stops existing rather than being  kept alive and it continues to pain us time and again. Yes true momentarily it will cause heartbreak will make us feel alone in this big bad world but having fake relations is way worse than not having it. and everybody will agree with me on this. So let's not "let go" to keep an ailing relation alive, rather let's let go of the fake relation which is causing pain.
 
 When you achieve something worth celebrating or being happy about but people who you think matter to you are indifferent to your success or hesitate to be part of your celebrations, it's time to let go
 
When people around you put on a big fake smile forgetting that you know how their real smile looks like and appear hollow it's time to let go.
 
When you feel downgraded by people whom you trust, it's time to let go
 
When you feel you lack support from those quarters where you expected the most, it's time to let go
 
When you feel you hold less importance in someone's life than what it should be, it's time to let go
 
When you are the one who always gives and no one cares to return, it's time to let go
 
When all you get from people around you is negativity, it's time to let go
 
When your pain does not bother them in any way, it's time to let go
 
When you feel that you are taken for granted, it's time to let go
 
When you feel you are being ignored, it’s time to let go

 

Some of us think that holding on makes us strong, but it’s letting go which does!!

Window to the world

Night-  11.30 pm...After a long tiring day, I finally lie down in bed, ready to fall asleep...but the thought of something  keeps me awake and I check my mobile ,again for some new notifications...not finding anything I keep it aside and try to sleep.

Afternoon- 12.30 PM: As I gulp down my lunch in the office breakroom,I look at my mobile screen to see if there are any new notifications in whatsapp or facebook. Not seeing any new notifications, i quietly eat my lunch and get back to work.

Few instances like the above makes me think is my social life limited to only facebook updates, posts or whatsapp messages? Am I no one when these are not part of my life? Does my everyday happiness, involvement with outside world only based on these? Is this vague connectivity the only window I have to the world?
Questions are many but answers are none.How drastically our lives have changed in the last few years that we have become puppets to social media. We dress up and pose only to post our pictures on social media, we go to restaurants and dinner is incomplete until a check in comes in, we watch movies but hey the world needs to know about this, we laugh,we cry, we try every detail has to be posted.And to tell the truth, we enjoy reading all the updates our friends post and when we ourselves post something, we track down who has liked them and who has not.This is what life is all about nowadays.I remember the days when my parents used to inform me about my cousin going to a new school or my neighbor buying a new car. Nowadays even though I am more than 10,000 miles away from home,I am usually the first one to know,even before my parents,courtesy social media.Even gossip changed it's form over the years. Earlier it was based on some thing someone said or something some one wore to a party but now we need not even wait fo that because everything people do are there for all others to see and so friends may be seating in different corners of the world yet gossip about a classmate who wore that horrifying dress and posted a picture of herself!
So far,so good. But the point is,what is the limit? where do we stop and who decides the threshhold? We do not need moral guardians for facebook updates...but aren't we ourselves supposed to gauge the limit and stop well within time? But social media is like a casino, you know you are going to lose but still you keep playing...such is the attraction,such is the madness which explains my two situations above. We are now so addicted to this way of life that we forgot our real hobbies. Whenever we are not busy in office or home, unconsciously we are gazing at our facebook wall, twitter account or whatsapp groups.These are supposedly useful to connect to the world but at this rate, they are actually making us distant from our true selves. We believe that people lead a life according to their pictures and status updates which are not true parameters to measure happiness.We want to emaculate them and forget who we actually are.
Anyways let us wait and watch how our lives change in next few years and whether or not we survive this storm. For now I am going back to check my mobile !!